25 Tips for a Better Life
My nephew recently turned 21 and I wanted to gift him with the very best advice I could offer, to support him in living his best life possible. I’m sharing it here as well and hope you find it of value. Even one insight can make all the difference in reshaping the quality of your life.
JESSE’S 25 TIPS TO LIVE A BETTER LIFE
1. BE AUTHENTIC.
Live an authentic life, which I feel comes down to 2 rules: (1) live authentically in every moment (meaning you only say or do things that innately feel like the “real you” would do, without interference from the viewpoints of society or other people in your life, but hopefully not things that would intentionally cause harm to anyone else) and (2) don’t give a shit what anyone thinks about what you do in rule number (1). If you’re living each moment as your “true self,” then you couldn’t have done anything differently in that moment (even if later, with new learnings or awareness, you might do something different now if the situation repeated itself). Too frequently, we dull our natural actions out of fear or concern for what others would do or what they will think, and this is so often a huge mistake. (A corollary to this one is don’t do things, buy things or wear things because of what people will think. They are almost certainly not thinking about you, because they’re too wrapped up in their own stuff. If it innately feels good to you, do it. But never because you’re seeking good feelings or feedback from an unpredictable outside source/person that’s out of your control. Otherwise, you risk losing sight of who you are and sacrificing your own unique desires, taste and style to people who shouldn’t have that power over you. And at the times when others actually do turn their attention to you, don’t let their opinions, either way, sway how you feel about yourself. If you don’t let yourself get elated by positive feedback, you don’t need to get crushed by negative feedback.)
2. MEDITATE.
Adopt a meditation practice. Try a few out and find the one that resonates most with you (for me, it’s Transcendental Meditation). It will prove invaluable to you for the rest of your life, so the sooner you start, the better. Stress in your mind and body will do severe damage over time, and most people suffer greatly at the hands of stress. Meditation will help you navigate the world in ways to dull the impact of stress, calming your emotions when they get heightened. It will also turn down the noise of the outside world and turn up the volume of your inner guidance system – your intuition – so you can more easily listen and follow its lead. Learn to identify and then follow your intuition. Somehow it always knows what’s best and will lead you to experiences you can’t even imagine. Also, it’s worth noting that your intuition can be invaluable when it comes to your relationships with others. Too often in my life, I stayed in bad friendships or relationships, convinced I could make them work or there was a reason to stay, even though my intuition kept screaming at me to get out. It was always right. Don’t stay in friendships or relationships once you hear your intuition tell you to leave, or you’ll waste a lot of time and energy.
3. JOY, NOT MONEY, IS TRUE WEALTH.
Don’t give money undue importance or make it the measure of the value of your (or anyone else’s) worth – my 5-year-old daughter literally has none but she is the richest person I know. The true measure of success or wealth in life is the amount of joy you experience while you’re here, and the amount of positive impact you can have on the lives of others. Period. Giving/doing for others authentically is a powerful force, so look for ways to do so often. That’s how you’ll best leave your mark on the world.
4. IT’S OK TO NOT BE OK.
Don’t let society tell you or condition you to “be happy” or “be OK” all the time – you owe it to yourself to feel your authentic feelings always, whether happy, sad or otherwise. Don’t dull or hide your feelings. Just don’t sit with unhappy feelings for longer than they should deserve, since this will unnecessarily rob you of chances to experience happiness in the meantime. Feel your honest, pure emotions, but then start looking for (even slightly) better feelings to start to shift you back toward focusing on the countless positive aspects of your life. Do this for a while and then, you’re ready to move to phase 2 of this exercise: endeavor to let anything that happens somehow be ok with you, whatever you feel. For example, choose “fascination” as a default way of life. You lost your job? Fascinating. Now you get to have some down time, and get to feel what it’s like for ‘finding a new preferable job’ to be your temporary current job. You got some sickness? Fascinating. Now you get to learn more about the body and experience what it feels like to be a sick person. Try it out – it really works once you get the hang of it.
5. HAVE A GO-TO SOURCE OF INSTASMILES.
Find a song/piece of music or video clip that always makes you smile or laugh. Keep it readily available on your phone/computer and go to it as soon as you feel unnecessary stress, frustration, anger or other similar feeling. It’s also worth noting that, scientifically, the act of smiling, even a forced smile, has benefits that innately will make you physically and mentally feel better. When in doubt, smile.
6. CAREFULLY BUILD (AND THEN NURTURE) YOUR TEAM.
Choose really carefully who you spend time with. Not only are they shaping the person you likely are but, scientifically, the people they know, that you may not even know, are also shaping who you are. Hang around with overweight friends, you’re more likely to be overweight. But hang out with friends who in turn have overweight friends you don’t even know, and you still are more likely to be overweight (crazy, huh?). Consciously spend most of your time around people who inspire you and make you more the person you want to be, even if this means spending less time with people you have a history with (such as old friends, family, etc., who don’t bring out the best in you). Also on the topic of relationships, don’t take people you love and enjoy for granted – stay in touch, reach out (even if just on their birthdays (which social media and computer calendars make far too easy to keep track of each year, so you have no excuse), and, from time to time, write them a note or call them just to let them know you appreciate them or something they did. Meaningful relationships and connections are key to fulfillment in life. And those you love are the easiest ones to take for granted.
7. DO A BELIEF/BEHAVIOR INVENTORY.
Beliefs and thought patterns you have will dictate the quality of your life, and were almost all formed when you were a kid, too little to make these profound decisions for yourself. Instead, you adopted them from those of the people around you at that time. You owe it to yourself, as an adult, to take an inventory of things you chronically believe, or behaviors you chronically repeat, and ask if they serve you now, as the person you currently are. If not, seek out ways to shift them for the better, into ones more authentic to your true current self. Don’t continue to repeat a destructive pattern, just because you’ve invested a ton of your time into it over the years. Do a life reboot as an adult to start fresh and live your life going forward truly on your own terms, not those of the people you happened to be around as a kid.
8. FEAR REGRET (BUT DON’T FEAR TOO MUCH).
In my opinion, regret is not talked about or focused on often enough. It’s a powerful motivator, and if you can condition yourself to be truly petrified of feeling regret, you’ll take many more positive chances and make much more authentic choices in your life, finding much more happiness overall as a result. Besides, most of the things you’re afraid might happen don’t anyway. (On that last note, don’t waste too much time on fear. People get consumed by fears and it’s almost all a waste of time. When you spend time being afraid or worrying about something, even if it was unfounded or the thing you’re afraid of never happens, you’ve tortured yourself and suffered anyway as if it had. You didn’t even try the thing or gain learning from the actual experience, but you felt all the terror as if you’d given it a shot. Instead, be a proactive problem solver to use that same time and energy productively, rather than wasting it on useless fears. Look for ways to find the best path forward or a pleasant feeling solution, but don’t over-agonize, as I did in my younger years, stuck in inaction, scared of what might happen. You’ll only truly know once you just go for it.)
9. SLOW DOWN.
Endeavor to slow down in all things. Don’t be in a rush. Savor life and every experience, even the mundane ones like eating or brushing your teeth. Take your time, since you only get so much time while you’re here and it’s your most precious commodity. A happy life is just a series of happy moments you get to experience, so don’t miss out on those moments, rushing through them, while focusing on what happened in the past or where you want to get to in the future. Be here now.
10. LET THE SMALL STUFF GO (IT’S BETTER TO BE HAPPY, THAN RIGHT).
Too many people make decisions that come from preferring to be right, rather than being happy. Happiness should be your primary objective in all things in life. So, sometimes, it’s worth it to let things go, or to be open to new ideas/ways of doing things, rather than holding firm and being “right” when doing so causes yourself unnecessary stress and unhappiness. Get comfortable being “wrong” in another’s eyes from time to time when it doesn’t really matter, so you can be happy. Plus, if you truly keep an open mind, you may just learn that you prefer the way the other person does things.
11. CONDITION YOURSELF TO FOCUS ON THE POSITIVE.
Though there is a historical reason why humans have evolved this way, people tend to zero in and focus on the negative aspects of any situation. No matter how many fantastic things or aspects are present in our life or any situation, we tend to give the majority of our energy and attention to the things out of place, or that are not the way we want them, or the things we’re afraid might happen. Seems silly, right? Don’t do that. You miss out on experiencing joy that way. For example, even in a sick person’s body, the vast majority of the parts of their body are still functioning perfectly each moment. But what does the sick person tend to focus on? (Hint: it’s not all the ways they’re experiencing wellness.) Don’t do that. Instead, find ways to retrain your senses to direct most of your energy and attention to zero in on to the wonderful aspects of things. This will color your overall life experience to be much a more joyful one.
12. PRACTICE GRATITUDE AS A WAY OF LIFE.
Make gratitude for even the smallest things in your life a daily focus. I spend time, last thing before bed, jotting down things from that day I am grateful for, and no item is too small. The more you train yourself to identify and focus on things you have to be grateful for, the more your senses will interpret your world as one that is fulfilling and bountiful. You can even try to start a running ongoing list over time of as many things you can think of that you have to be grateful for in your life, down to the littlest thing, to see how rich you really are, and to take note of all the things you used to take for granted that some others in the world desperately seek (for example, all the people you know, all your past experiences, all your working body parts, access to running and drinking water, heat/air conditioning, easy access to food…). If you can train yourself to be grateful for and derive joy from the littlest of things (e.g., a smile, a pretty sunset, a fun conversation, a kind note, etc.), your life will be so much richer – unlike like many people who think they need “big” things to happen or to come into their life (e.g., wads of cash, fancy cars, a huge house, etc.) in order for them to be truly happy. You make the rules of your game, so make it easier for you to feel joy.
13. DON’T OVERTHINK THINGS.
When I was younger, thinking I was really smart, I’d spend countless hours trying to map out and analyze every possible option when I was considering doing something that I believed was somehow even remotely “risky”. Not like things with any real danger to my safety most of the time, just things where my ego felt like it could get hurt in some way if things didn’t turn out the way I wanted. I was convinced I could think through every possibility before acting, so I’d know up front I’d make the best choice and could predict how things would play out. What I didn’t realize was that the people involved and the outside circumstances were most often completely out of my control, so no matter how much time I put in analyzing, it was all still a gamble at the end of the day. But that’s the point – to gamble, taste life and all its rich experiences, not knowing how things will play out. Don’t hold back. Go for it, even if the risk could bruise your ego in some way. You won’t know how things will play out, but that’s the beauty and fun of life. Embrace the unknown. And you’re always learning, so you’re always growing.
14. TAKE ACTION.
Done and imperfect is generally better than undone until perfect. It’s often better to get something out there in the world in its current form, rather than to miss the boat tweaking/waiting until you think something is perfect before it’s ready to go. Someone else will get there first. Even if your version isn’t “perfect” (and here’s a little tip – there is generally no such thing), you can continue to refine it with feedback from others now that it’s out there. Besides, your apparent perfectionism is often really just a disguise for fear.
15. FAIL OFTEN.
Celebrate intelligent “failures” as the steps forward that they are. Too many people are afraid of failure, but the very best learnings quite often come from our failures. Well thought out attempts that result in some form of failure are incredibly valuable. Count and celebrate your failures and then keep a record/journal of what you learned from each one. You’ll succeed far more in life having failed along the way than if you just had a quick success (since you won’t easily be able to identify why you had the success). And, as an aside, there really is no true “failure” if you’ve put in thoughtful effort, gotten results of some form, and analyzed and learned from the results. How did you fail today? Don’t skip a day.
16. FOLLOW THROUGH & BE DEPENDABLE.
Your integrity is so important. Be impeccable with your words – follow through when you say you’ll do something, so people know they can depend on you. Treat people with the same level of care and attention as you’d wish they would treat you. Don’t ever risk doing anything to put your reputation or integrity in jeopardy, as it’s nearly impossible to repair your reputation once people feel they can’t trust or rely on you. No exceptions. Play the long game, and people you did right by along the way may come back into play, offering you chances and opportunities you could never have anticipated. Ones that would’ve disappeared had you done something to lose their esteem.
17. DON’T LIMIT YOURSELF.
We only do things or buy things in life because of how we think they will make us feel. Figure that out first and focus only on your desired feeling, and then, instead of limiting yourself to just the particular option you had in mind, many more things can make you feel that way. Why limit yourself to a single path, when you can find countless ways to feel great? For example, the difference between saying “to be happy, I have to be a successful actor” vs. “to be happy, I’d like to feel creative, connecting with others in a genuine and emotional way” – which one do you think lends itself to more chances to find happiness? (And on another note, try to find ways not to rely on things outside of yourself to “make” you feel a certain way, or else whether you can feel good is totally out of your control. Decide to look for ways in your life to feel that way and generate the feelings from within. Then, no matter what happens outside, you get what you’re really seeking.)
18. PUT DOWN YOUR PHONE.
Your phone/social media are robbing you of more meaningful connections (among other harms they cause), and when you’re on your phone around others (even when it’s just nearby), it makes clear to them they aren’t that important to you. When you’re with someone in person, really listen to them and give them your full attention. They deserve it, and you just might learn something. When reaching out to someone, consider dialing their number rather than texting, to actually connect and hear their voice and pick up on cues you can’t get from a screen. Set time limits on your social media apps, so you can’t access them until the next day once you’ve hit a certain number of minutes. And take a daily walk outside with no distractions, to let your mind have a rest and just observe, without your phone playing a role. Look around. Really notice the little things and the people that have too often gone unnoticed in the world surrounding you. The blank/empty spaces are where the magic can happen. And we miss far too many of them in modern society.
19. DITCH THE BAGGAGE OF YOUR PAST.
Therapy with the right therapist can radically improve the quality of your life (sadly, there are loads out there who won’t be the right fit for you, so it may take some effort to find the best fit). It will give you new context and understanding for your early life, and how it’s still affecting you as an adult, for better or worse – though quite often for worse. With help, you can find ways to lessen your childhood’s grip where it’s underserved, and let go of places where your past self is still steering your ship today. You’ll start to understand why you do the things you do and see the underlying effects from experiences of your youth. You’ll understand why things happening today can activate your “stuff” from injuries you suffered as a child, and you keep playing out and repeating patterns of behaviors for years. And with this understanding and awareness, comes liberation. When you go to therapy, don’t be scared or hold back – dive in head first and be open. All it takes is even a single insight or “a-ha” moment for the entire rest of your life to be infinitely better.
20. BE A MINIMALIST.
Everything around you in your environment is pulling focus from your senses and interrupting your attention. So be conscious not to clutter your world, your environment, your home, your office, your car, etc. with things that don’t elicit smiles or other positive feelings within you. Like it or not, the things around you each day are programming how you’re likely to feel. If your bedroom, desk, office or car is full of clutter, you’ll likely tend to feel overwhelmed, stressed or disoriented most of the time. So choose wisely, and leave lots of empty spaces around so your mind and your senses have more room to process things, to be creative, and to think more clearly. In fact, a solid general life rule I’ve embraced lately is to lean towards minimalism. Don’t become too attached to “stuff”. Less is truly more. Populate your world with less things, but make sure the ones around you are those you really enjoy for one reason or another.
21. REWRITE YOUR STORY TO CHANGE THE ENDING.
Often, we give roles to people in our lives without realizing it (like cast members in the movie of our life – e.g., my boss is awful to me, so he’s the “villain” of my story) and once we do so, they become trapped in playing that role for us again and again. If you don’t like the role they are playing, try reframing and recasting their role and how you perceive them. Find something, anything, to thank the other person for, no matter how challenging that might be (e.g., my boss provides me the job and money so I can do fun things with my family on the weekends). Wish them well, maybe even wish them what you think they most desire. Right away, you’ll start to feel better in each of your interactions with them. They’ll start to bother you less. And then, far more often than not, watch the whole relationship and situation seem to magically improve. Somehow, they’ll seem to feel it too, and will change how they treat you for the better.
22. COMMIT TO DO THE SMALL, UNSEXY THINGS EVERY DAY.
People often think success comes in huge waves, big exciting grand moments. In reality, it primarily comes from the small, unsexy, daily commitments that successful people do that go unseen and build upon themselves over time. If you want to achieve success at something, study what other successful people in that field have done on their paths (don’t rigidly try to imitate them, since everyone’s path is uniquely their own, populated by their own unique experiences, learning and people in their world). Then identify one or more things you can do each and every day without fail (hopefully something you’ll find joy in doing) and commit to do them and don’t stop. From time to time, reflect to acknowledge your progress and look for new and improved daily commitments you can undertake. One day, you’ll wake up miles ahead from where you started. It’s the compounding effect (look it up). Small, imperceptible shifts can have massive impacts. A one-degree shift in your behavior can take you all the way to the top.
These next 2 are a little heavy, I admit, so I put them way down the list and I am lumping them together – but if you can absorb and really understand these, they can have a profound impact in the quality of your life. You may want to read them, then come back and re-read them a few times later, but keep at it and you’ll eventually get the gist.
23. BE TRULY PRESENT AND JUST EXPERIENCE EACH MOMENT TO ITS FULLEST.
I’ve come to believe that we are meant to just experience things fully with every bit of our senses in each moment, really feel them and seek to find joy in them (whatever is happening), and then let just them pass through us, and move on to the next moment of our experience, without storing interpretations of what those things mean or whether we want or don’t want to experience them again in the future. Only when we hold onto things and store our past experience within us do we limit the amount of happiness we can experience in our lives, because we then give power to the outside world to dictate how we are feeling (either it fits into our preferences or fits into our aversions). Don’t give outside circumstances power to control your happiness. Seek out ways to find joy no matter what your outside circumstances look like. For example, if it’s sunny, you get to spend the day outside and feel the warmth of the rays on your skin. But if it’s rainy, you get to go outside, feel the drops bounce off your skin, and splash in puddles in the street. Why let things like the weather, totally out of your control, tell you whether you get to be happy or not? Can’t you still be happy when it rains? Find ways to experience joy regardless of the outside circumstances and you’ll live a much better life.
24. YOUR THOUGHTS ARE RANDOM, SO DON’T LISTEN TO THEM.
Your thoughts and your mind are not your friends. Don’t give your thoughts too much power over your life. They are really based on preferences/aversions you formed from your past experiences, but these are things randomly programmed into your mind, dictated by where the spotlight of your senses were directed in a past moment, and what happened to be going on in the world around you in that particular direction at that moment. You just have easily could’ve looked the other way, saw/perceived something totally different and then you’d be programmed with alternate thoughts, preferences or aversions, which would be dictating your behaviors in new ways. Instead, learn to be as present as possible in each moment and just experience it, then move onto the next one. See #23 above. If not, you’ll lose so much time in your life entertaining the thoughts your mind continually spits out at you, often telling you divergent things moment to moment (e.g., ‘you should do XYZ’, you then do XYZ, and it’s followed shortly thereafter by your mind telling you ‘you shouldn’t have done XYZ’). All your mind wants to do is to control your outside world to make it fit into its preconceived preferences and to avoid its preconceived aversions. Don’t listen to it. Try to just be in each present moment fully and experience it purely, without your mind interfering.
25. DON’T GIVE THE WORLD THE POWER TO TELL YOU HOW TO FEEL.
Things in life are almost always primarily out of your control. From the weather, to the traffic, to other people’s responses – if you decide you can only feel a certain way if a particular outcome or result occurs, you’re screwed, since you then have no control over how you’re going to feel. Instead, trust the universe is working in your favor, with billions of unseen forces acting in each second that you can’t possibly perceive or understand. Stay focused on your desired feelings, and look for ways to obtain those feelings. Seek out joy wherever you can find it. Become non-attached to particular outcomes and, instead, trust they are always working for your benefit. For example, if someone rejects you in some way – they just weren’t the right fit, and you’re now one step closer to the right one. As if someone came and told you the end result you desire will eventually happen, but they refuse to tell you when or how. Knowing that, every rejection, block, or apparent negative result doesn’t matter, since you know each one is just one step forward on your path to eventual accomplishment – which could happen in a day, a month or a year. It doesn’t matter. The journey is the adventure, not the eventual end goal. You just have to focus on your desired feelings and wait with wonder, fascination and enthusiasm to see what happens.
Enjoy the ride.